My life story like all is made of thousands of shifting layers. I choose to see all of them as perfect pages in the book of my life. Over time as I relax and become fluid with this format writing I will dive deeper into the grit the grime of my history and what I have learned. Along with celebrate all the light as the chapters continue flip open. My only goal is to identify with others or they with I, to inspire and hopefully share a little life of my lifes experience. Along the way I’m sure I’ll continue recover and discover. Today the tale within my mind is all about a recent milestone I reached regards to my slam dance with Chrystal Meth. Along with slice of my experience with the 12 steps of recovery. First off I absolutely support 12 step recovery concepts, it is a fact for many of us a literal resurrection back to the living. Sincere applause, so many great woman, men, youth and cross sexes.
I finally reached a significant milestone and I am very proud of that. This is my story, my right, my accomplishment. I am so very grateful to be alive, to even have a steady hand to write this is mind blowing. As they traditionally ask, “how did you do it” my honest answer would have to be. With a hodgepodge formula based on freshly taught self love, self respect, amazing support and my personal journey into depths of my own unknown.
Two weeks ago a series of events took place, leading to in program speak to a technical “slip,” according to the BIG BOOK of AA. All fine and dandy with me. I stayed sober in my book, No Tina/Meth in my system. No one is going to tell me I’m not sober. I worked my ass off, love you kids and a plastic coin is lovely but… My HP has got my back and no way is this meant as bitter slight. I know it may sound that way. My message about recovery programs is always the same. My only wish is for more self empowerment and self love. And the equal inclusion of all persons needing help. Not only the new, young and hot of course this is not always the case this is based only a few experiences not even the majority.
In gay CMA the click and club factor from my personal experience can be exhausting. Nothing is more frustrating than seeing a middle aged woman come in needing help only to be ignored because a hot young gym stud is also in need. Key word ALSO, they both deserve recovery period. Please if you are in recovery and struggling my single solid message is. Do not believe the terms YOU ARE DEFECTIVE or YOU ARE DISEASED. Those are lies now change your truth and change your story you are so totally worth it. Give yourself the power to believe in a better you! The image I posted is a composite from my heavy using days and a prime example of what the story of defective and diseased has the power to do. CHANGE YOUR STORY-and if you slip big f**king deal get back up, it’s a new day…
I for one was a royal mess who lost everything, I am so grateful to be alive. To be attracting the people I attract and to be rewriting my story daily. I live in daily wonderment sometimes overwhelmed by the good. Sometimes in a funk, but even a funk is better than the madness, insanity and hopelessness of my mad crazy times. It was a prison with syringes as bars and the voices in my head and paranoia as my wardens. I thought there was no escape but I made it through the madness, man did I ever…step by “step slowly I turned, come on.”
Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt – lil Big R