For me the word ego had always seemed like a dirty damaged little word. Suggesting an adult or child may have been possessed by a horribly deformed soul. Growing up I had been taught that to have an ego meant you where greedy, selfish, back stabbing, worldly, deceitful or a “run around,” you get the picture.
I was fearful to admit I had an ego, it meant I was damned to hell. When vacant of fear, guilt was the next identifiable feeling to clutch on to. Guilt, has always been a complete waste of energy especially when squandered around “E” and his side-kick pride. Guilt shielded when pride and ego stirred within my youthful even adult heart and mind. Proudly, now I say no more but it took some work and re-learning to clear the residue of ancient teachings.
It felt like torture to my ears every time I heard how the meek would inherit the earth as a child. I now ask myself did I ever really want to inherit the earth? What kind of trip is that to lay on kid, yikes! No Thanks lol! And why hadn’t we been taught that ego can be a marvelous protector and something that can lift us up and encourage us when needed. I suppose we had been spawned from a generation that only could teach us what they knew. Just as we will teach future generations what we know. I am grateful for the possibilities afforded to those who choose to live a life with an expansive mind and heart.
For years I felt bad about patting myself on the back or celebrating any deserving accomplishment. I felt even worse, encouraging myself to fully believe in my dreams, goals or having faith in my own strengths. I often wondered how many others wandered the earth, who have had similar experiences. Many I am sure I am also positive there are many on massive journeys of their own.
I have to confess what cracks me up most about my own story. I have always considered myself to be a rebel, an outcast and a bit of a shit stirrer. Over the years I have gotten myself into my fare share of trouble. For instance (I chuckle) fights with gang bangers. I thought I was some tough little punk, walking city streets painted in new wave drag circa 1984. Thrashing jagged beer bottles, tough with looking all androgynous boy pretty. In reality I was a fragile dime a dozen ball of manic chicken shit furry. I have lived most my life in complete fear of being completely who I wanted to be. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, always on the verge of crumbling on the inside, who the hell was I fooling? Many but not me, I had no ego or pride if I had they where damaged and barley alive.
I hid behind masks and many characters secretly for many years. I had fun a hand full of times but I lived in fear of most people and situations. In my personal life I would reach out to live my dreams then cower in fear and doubt. My truth was distorted and repressed, so rather than trusting my inner voice, my core my truth, my source, my ego I would give up. And my pride would further be diminished. I had my frantic moments with peaks and valleys laced with a mixture of legit reasons for their jagged little rip tide.
To be raised with a healthy ego and ownership of pride life hold a different ride. This is an observation, and a reflection to future living, yes we live and learn.
Like most things I educate best on my own, that is my story, it is not always easy but it sure as hell is effective and rewarding. Unlike traditional school, life lessons I never forget and I never regret. I no longer fear who I am I have no resentment, zero regret. At this point I can honestly say I respect the man that I am and the people and world around me. I have a healthy ego and I am proud of who I am.
Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R