HIV, Uncategorized

POZ-29/30

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(HEART CHAKRA INFUSION)

From 1981 through 1987, new HIV/AIDS cases and fatalities doubled roughly every year. 1987 saw 40,000 deaths and nearly 50,000 new cases. And AZT hardly swooped in to save the day; in 1991, the CDC announced that one million Americans were infected.

Sunday, April 17, marked the 29th anniversary of the day I received the positive return on my HIV test results. I was only twenty four years of age at the time. just a kid really, although life had already matured me in many ways. Testing positive for the HIV virus honestly was not of any shock or surprise for me. Although my face went through the necessary expressions, almost out of politeness to the reader of these results. This was a planned infection and an expected diagnosis. This is a conversation I will sideboard for a separate writing, dealing primarily with a case of severe undiagnosed bipolar depression along with the many attachments that come with a complicated youth.

In the early days of HIV infection and AIDS. To find out that you had tested positive for the virus carried a great deal of dark weight. For many it still does, back in the day it often was considered a death sentence. During that period of time, at least speaking for the myself I lost lovers pals and icons through the battlefields of AIDS. Ignorance, government funding, religion, families, cultural indifferences, bureaucracy and the disease itself that showed little signs of slowing. All played a part in the war zone of AIDS.

During this time many men walk the streets visually looking like living corpses. Savagely thin, with other signs of fatigue, life fading from their flesh, lifting from their hearts vanishing from their eyes. Others choose to remove themselves from the social seen, understandably out of fear. Looking back I no longer blame them, fear is fear, it was about survival for many, a wake up call for some. On the other hand, some choose to push the envelope a little further into denial. Amping up the party favors or sex to excess. It is safe to say I danced in the pond excess with no regrets.

In reality it only made sense, that I too would eventually appear on the roster of death. Be it swift or slow, my time would come and I was sure to go. It did not seem to happen the way my friends and I thought, I am still here with a gratitude smile I continue to dance.

In the mid to late 1980’s AZT remained the primary toxic noose in use to batter the demons within our own blood cells and bodies. I am not here to argue the politics of the time or discuss conspiracy theories, that is past history, that I can not change. My only comment is do not be afraid to listen to your instincts. My intuition cried out to me the first time I opened my prescribed little white bottle of bi-colored capsules. For me I knew it was poison, the feeling nearly ruptured my nervous system. And I reacted accordingly without hesitation.

Upon arriving home I jiggled that packed plastic bottle of blue and white jimmies into my toilet bowl. I watched as they buoyed upon the shores of my porcelain sea. I paused for a moment with clear conscious, then gave them a confident flush and farewell. At this time in my life I was not so much a political person as I was an intuitive one. Years later, I was informed that this decision to discard the AZT may have been the best decision I could have made for my life. (please note this is not a medical advice column for another)

Now that I have entered my thirtieth year of living with HIV. I ask myself why am I still here? I do not know. I have never been hospitalized due to any HIV related issue. I have never had any “big” AIDS related illness’s and my T-cell’s have only dipped into the 300’s on a few occasions. Any “real” medical issue so far have been the result of situations strictly unrelated.

I am not sure how much of my HIV status defines who I am. I think it is more the fact that I am still here when so many are not. Crossing the threshold of thirty years is a significant moment in my life, I never thought about the importance of my status before. I am deeply moved and thankful, I can only assume I have lasted this long for a reason, like all of us.

I feel I have some “light” work to do. In my younger years, I was busy building a life resume of experiences, many of them thick and weighty. These last few years I have been in an accelerated course of healing with a vast absorption of knowledge. Perhaps I have stuck it out this long with a sheer determination and a soul understanding of my later years of living and my spirit mission.

I believe nothing in this life is a selfish act, we live, learn and share. This is the process of light, we radiate, we vibrate, we heal ourselves and each other. This is all part of making ourselves and each other whole. This is the beauty of all of life’s experiences, HIV or any other disease. All of life’s situations are an opportunity to grow and help another. Be it divorce, hard times, a tough day at school or work, it does not matter what we are experiencing in life everything and every moment has value. We live, love, learn, expand our hearts as we heal the world within and around us.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt

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Images, Uncategorized

LOVE & POLITICS

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LOVE & POLITICS

Why I choose to sit at night to do these writings I am not quite sure. It is the worst of hours for me to put thought to text. My technique is foggy. I tend to spend the next few days manipulating a post with countless spell checks and jigsaw rewrites. I am the type of soul if I have something to say, I must release it from my being before the moment is lost. There is no time for refinement, the thought can not be contained. It is an injustice to my higher consciousness. The fear of loosing the essence of the moment is immense, I have learned from my past that once the moment of a topic I feel hot on my spiritual or emotional heals has been past. And I missed and the the immediate impact of release I also lost the capture of my fevered moment. The feelings that made the moment so important at the moment. Those nudges from above or within that pushed me to speak to begin with.

I am not a professional writer, nor a trained artist in any form, I am hardly educated at all, perhaps that is the beauty of blogging and the time that we live in. We now have a convenient freedom of voice, our ability to share our opinions and visions are accessible with each-other. Not long ago, unless you had a “zine” options for communication mass where limited. Other than public access television, affordable or approachable mass media and venues where limited.

Blogging may be looked upon as a glorified form of journaling, maybe I’m projecting a little zaps from my own mind map. I would like to think on occasion I do have something worth expressing for another to think about to chew on, or have a creative dialogue.

Love and Politics
My story has shifted over time, with focus less on my personal story, more and more on the global tribe. This for me is a reflection of human revolution and what healing from trauma looks like. Primary day elections take place tomorrow here in Illinois, my message remains the same always. VOTE! Vote from a place of LOVE, not, greed, anger, fear or prejudice let your highest self guide you. No I am not telling you who to vote for, your own TRUTH will do that for you.

I will leave this short, I have very strong feelings to express they will be shown in following post. Love is the highest denominator in all matters of resolve, power and transformation for all people, all situations. Thank you for reading-

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Peace, reflective

LOVE-PPF

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LOVE-Past, Present & Future
There have been times in my life when the emotional weight that I’ve experienced did not make sense. I would find myself, lashing out or struggling free of reason, no matter how diligently I had worked my personal program of understanding. I wrestled with the undertones of situations I knew existed, yet could not put a finger on the lingering stains of uncomfortable.

There are appeared to be no situations, life imbalances, personal unrest, medical or mental issues to cause actions/reactions in my behavior or feelings. Life in general seem to be ok, reasons appear impossible to peg for emotional unrest. Nothing in this lifetime appears with any justification to have a legit connection. In some instances I believe it may be due to a past life footprint, stirring deep inside the soul cavity, an echo of unresolved issues. A traumatic situation perhaps that has never been mended, carried over from a previous life cycle.

My belief is we store these imprints much like we carry the histories of our early childhood memories. Often we don’t remember the good or the bad as we grow older, yet they are always there. In the instance of past life footprints rather than locked safe in the vault of our mind, they are embedded in the vibration of our soul, the core of who we are. The undefined being within, the ignored self of science, the truth that only you or I can understand the truth that only you or I need to understand.

In short, I am moved to suggest, in a moment when agitation arises and there is no connection of logical abundance. While grounded in the “now” of this existence, take
a moment to meditate, love heal and release the “heavy” around these emotions. Before acting out, begin to look within, there may be no answers for present events. Meditate to understand, acknowledge and heal any past life situation. Then wrap the feelings around it in light and release any past events and emotions with love and light. For myself this has been a very helpful tool, one I stumbled upon via guided  instinct.

If willing, answers, resolve and healing will come to you as it has with me. Lingering agitation or that unknown “itch” is our intuition, our inner voice guiding us. I suspect in some cases the story line is rooted in a past space and time, showing some care to these situations can prove as helpful as healing the now. Love is always the message, resolve and forward motion is the goal.

Just a thought from me to you-
Love Yourself & Another Past Present and Futrue

 

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Images, Selfportraits

EXPERIENCE of LIGHT

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ROCKETS & NESTS 4J *soft/complicated, mixed media

Thursday mornings tend to be my standard errand day, also a day when my mind and eye are most engaged with the world around me. I am 100% in love all things at the same time inspired by everything, it is almost to much to handle and nearly impossible to get anything accomplished. Between photo snaps, note breaks and formal writing stops I am lucky if I hit the market, library or dry cleaners at all.

My mid week enthusiasm may be in part due to my minimal excursions from block number 11 where I reside. Back home in New York, I walked everywhere most days, never to tire always inspired. I breathed a carnival of sensory happiness, often coming home only to spin back out for a deeper emersion. Since my return to the mid-coast of Chicago in autumn of 2013 I have become somewhat of a recluse. Thursdays are my great adventure day, where backyard tree-houses and front yard detail strike a temporary fascination streak, at times it is enough to fire up enough artistic and spiritual fuel to feed my creative need for another week.

Now that I am in my middle years, I am fascinated with the organic curves, knots, and often wicked grace of trees. Cloud formations always impress, dressed and set with back drop skies of shifting seasonal shades mystify. All of mother earths creatures, plant life, water and air retain my interest unlike dismissal of younger years. For the time being my alter of appreciation falls upon suburban lawns rather than the magnificent parks and gritty squares of the island of Manhattan where I belong. A place where structures, graffiti, art, pedestrians, clatter, filth hold me strong.

MORNING THOUGHT:
I had a funny idea one Thursday morning, as I often do. Story board visions ran through my head as I saw myself “ghosting” in the after life. Not “trapped” and suffering as in a Learning Channel ghost hunter hype series. You know, all miserable… moan, moan thud. Just the opposite, very happy, and madly in love with this globe and it’s living occupants. I, dead without regret, refusing to leave this bubbled existence without assistance from an invisible supernatural ejector seat.

From the great unknown my almighty light keepers where summoning me, like a collective of spiritual mothers with a toddler at meal time, gentle and prodding. Coaxing with sensitive yet firm vibrational ease, the messages that pulsed may be impossible to describe here. The general transmission delivered was the usual. “The time has arrived for you to ascend to new dimensions, unimagined in any book, meditation or vision within your understandings, a greater purpose is part of your spiritual evolution now, your earth journey has been completed. The time has come to leave…” None of this was spoken in global tongues, all by sensation, heat and other understanding, many of you know what I am talking about. Stubborn, as I often can be, I am prone to get in my own human way. Naturally I insisted on staying right where I was, in some strange suburban yard up a tree translucent to most determined to haunt on my own terms.

My morning, inspiration hit as my feet stepped and my mind wandered back. I remembered how I have always been fascinated by cultures, sociology, interactions between groups of all people, individual behavior, the human experience. As I passed each home between the hours of 10a.m. and noon I envisioned the expansion of life within these cabinets of brick, wood, and stone. Each home called out with it’s own language. The exterior structure and grounds sang descriptive tales of it’s cultures, families, individuals, lifestyles and critters. I became intrigued by the care and lack of that each dwelling reflected.

That is when it struck me, I want to shadow and haunt when I exit the realm of the living. Not an individual home, rather entire neighborhoods. Fluttering about while watching in silent bliss, hovering while people garden and built those humble tree-houses, perform mundane task like cleaning garages, taking out the trash or repainting shutters on luxury 3 day weekends. Oversee grounds like a mystical landscape architect with a quarter of a mile view, as trees bow in winter and spring forth in mid months of warmth.

As I stood under a great Oak Tree on the corners of Lombard and Madison Streets, with eyes shut, feet planted on cool cement and lungs filled with fresh damp air. I felt with every vessel in my heart that I wanted to experience a little bit of every life. To me this is not haunting at all, this is loving in a different dimension and nothing could be more life affirming. This is loving in the ultimate parental form, the greatest honor, not to die for ones country but to live for ones world.

To experience without the confines of human timelines, health or worry. To watch as each bud burst forth in spring from plant and tree. To bare witness to the birth of new borns, be present with birds eye view as drops of rain cascade down blades of grass during an August sun-shower. Offer comfort during moments of human duress and celebration, to whole heartedly be apart of these experiences, to learn love and wrap one in light. I don’t understand why these feelings struck me so strong or lingered as they do. Perhaps I should nurture them while I am  among the living, maybe that is all this experience of thought has been about. Funny how the mind works as we click keys and write, hammering out the spiritual subconscious through key strokes is another form of the language of light..

Ah! It just hit me wrapped up this page, should you believe as I do, this to some degree is what our Angels and Protectors experience. How wonderfully awesome this is not a story about ghosting at all, it is a story about living.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt

 

 

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Images, Selfportraits

INSIDE SAFARI

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“INSIDE SAFARI II” – a private story

The sharing of my infant crib experiences is a conversation I have only afforded to a limited few through out my life. I protected these memories with hesitant thought of what others may think of this especial topic. Amidst life awakenings and what I feel comfortable calling a mid-life revival. Or what others may refer to as a “mid-life crisis.” I have ditched my concern of what my peers may perceive of my body, my adornments, word usage or personal history. Today I decided to open up about my crib connections with a distant friend for the first time do in part to one of my “electric itches.”

Before I could walk, talk or even crawl I had “visitors.”  These creatures where playful, silly and communicated without sound. Circling gently above my crib, large, soft and funny. My friends, four in number protected me, communicating through thought and vibration. Their messages and mission where uncomplicated upon these mostly night time visits. Bringing comfort to a young mortal life. Not yet able to contemplate the meaning behind the physical and emotional chaos around him. They radiated only love and safety reassuring me that I was looked after. Before I had any capacity of speech I had the capacity of love and understanding.

I believe it is true, people are born with an innate intelligence. Then many of us have our intuitive gifts “earthed” out of us. Through life circumstance and programming of intention and not. If we are fortunate we experience a personal revolution that awakens a shift. Or, we are intuitive and lead our own archaeological excursion back inwards. Taking us back to the beginning our root truths. Expanding a bigger, better, deeper, wider self. While stretching our concepts of time and understanding.

About six months back I had begun speaking with a talented artist through the Book of Faces. He happens to illustrate almost identical creatures to those of my toddler years. Never in my life have I seen anything that resembled my mystery figures in any form. Not in a sci-fi flicks, TV, or other form of art and creation.

Today I finally asked my friend about a few of his drawings. There is one in particular that is a drawing of my main visitor. I did not care how bizarre my story might sound I had an urge to speak. That meant I had to follow my guts guidance. His response was limited by design and I respected that. Although he made it clear he knew precisely what I was talking about. He also made a point that the visitors come to him. And he did not want to know anything else about them. – we each shared a “wink” moment then let the speaking rest.

I am satisfied knowing that I am not alone in my toddler coral club. Spiritual beings or hungry needy imagination, I was swaddled in love. I adore our cosmic protectors, I do believe that we all have messengers, angles or energy around us. what we choose to call them really doesn’t matter to me. Also it is pretty dam cool that I am at a point in my life where It doesn’t frighten me to say what I have experienced in life. I am grateful to recall the messages from my crib and reapply them to my life today. Safe Loved Open Guided and Free-

Love and Light
The Empowered Runt

 

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