Images, Selfportraits

A YARN STORY
Is just what it implies, a pile of found fibers and a half knitted cap. My story as most know doesn’t sway far from my common theme. Beauty is where you find it, life is what you choose to make of it. The magic is everywhere, beneath the grit you shall find your glit’ and gold.

Recently I came across an expansive bag of discarded knitted carnage and puffed woolen floss. My friends and colleagues questioned where I would like it to be disposed of and how quick. My neck twist in the direction of my current thrill. Eyes popped with conceptual lust with an expected response. Beauty is where you find it. Please set all aside for me, this bag is a a must!

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt

A YARN STORY

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columbuspark, Video, wallpaper

MOODY’S TEMPLE:
Is a gratitude energy offering of thanks to all of those who have shown support throughout my journey. The outpouring over these last few weeks over my artistic adventures have been overwhelming-Thank You! Though the gunk, funk and the love since the end of July. I have attracted and been attracted to the perfect souls and situations. Some friends I have not seen in many years, new faces and now there is room in my expanding heart for new friends. A space that I have kept shut down without even knowing it for so very long.

My appreciations I offer symbolically, the best way I know how. With a stimulation eruption to both ear and eye. As I continue my exploratory play with motion-paper’s. Rooted in the unexpected ignored landscapes found along nearby expressways. These visuals capture the beauty I find on my morning strolls. I find life where some only see decay, vitality where at first one may sense the still, always within the dark I seek light.

This is my slosh of grit, greens, filth, and sun. A little bit of heaven, both natural and manufactured. A sliver of global glory just relaxing as if it where on holiday. Playing at the dunes or shore only here amongst the fumes and noise. Now toss in a Cerrone soundtrack (one of the royals of euro disco) and I have myself a perfect end of summer visual vacation.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt – lil Big R

Music: Cerrone Music of Life 1978

MOODY’S TEMPLE

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Recovery, trauma

LIFE 81315LIFE MATTERS 81315

LIFE IS FUCKING COOL
With mornings sunrise edging up and over woodlands and neighboring rooftops. My spirt contemplates the most important decision to be made that day. Shall I rise to continue on this journey. Am I willing to fulfill my daily commitments to self and the world that surrounds. Will I venture deeper within to explore, accept and celebrate my personal truths? Soon my ever enduring vessel consisting of flesh, other matter and illusion responds with a resounding YES!

My morning head still foggy, rest cradled in a nest of down, cotton and twill. Tossing in a slow time-lapse motion. While twitches, of five a.m. lazy limbs wake my slowly emerging torso rolling from side to side. Legs, linger over mattress cliffs. As energy drifts guiding my feet safely towards destination floor.

I sigh, with calm excitement knowing morning rituals may now begin. As I kneel facing east, I gently kiss three times the lacquered slats of oak beneath my knees.

I bless the twenty-four before me with sincerity of heart. I am filled with deep appreciation for all gifts future, past and present. At peace, I visualize my truth du jour while reciting my rotating mantras. Prayers for the deceased are spoken and meditations begin. I fill myself unforcefully full with my creative and spiritual nutrients. Whatever the concoction may be that day. That is the fuel that will see me through.

Finally as my Bustello, my “holy water” blesses my inner tube-ways. I am focused, fresh, with a heart revitalized, gently jacked with empathy, compassion and my personal commitments at hand. I begin as I ended the evening prior. Plugged into my “Source” and understanding my truth. Having made the decisions to be empowered and embracing my freedom of voice. I exhale mindfully slow, embarking on a new untrodden day.

This all must seem like a lot of work to some, understandably so. “Why not a simple shower and a back door blast” you may ask.  Certain life events create a more complicated start. For some it is having a baby, or a heart attack others it is a bit more complex. The cool thing is you develop habits that are healthy. They linger as long as long as you decided they should last.

The above and a dash more if needed is worth it, I am worth it. Anyone who has experienced any trauma or addiction is worth it. For four years I could not walk down the street, get on the subway, go to work. Leave my home without my meth med injection to make life palatable that was the only way. I was completely afraid of being attacked. Old story-sorry for the repeat, but it was due to an intense gang rape.

Fortunately for me and inconvenient for some of those around me. I have moved through much of my rape crisis and the aftermath. Now I am working on setting that story aside, always with eyes open wide.

Not that long ago, November of twenty-fourteen my life began to re-evolve. I opened up to all that already exist within and around. With huge support from my dear friend and mentor Danielle (beautiful blessings). Slowly I have returned to my authentic “self”.

 These morning dedications have opened me to inner explorations and spiritual expansions. Some of these rituals I have been performing since the early 1980’s many more are new additions.

My heart had been begging for  a “truth-smack” up side my soul. A little wake up zap, to reboot my journey. I certainly had the choice to continue to live in fear. I had a choice to kill myself or to become a junkie hustler. All of those choices would be fine, I really doubt I would last long, I have a short fuse. So I listened to my core and yes it really sucked for a very long time and I am still recovering. But I fought and followed my inner voice and here I am. If on a daily basis I where not my own cheerleader, coach and best friend. By now would have literally reached my dead end.

Oh well, I learn the way I have chosen to learn. My view is I can only teach a lesson authentically, if I have lived the lesson I am teaching. I think that makes sense lol-have fun and thank you for reading.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

LIFE IS FUCKING COOL

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Recovery, Video

MY INWOOD LOVE AUDIO/VISUAL FORMAT

In honor of Inwood, a neighborhood nestled at the northern tip of the Isle of Manhattan. It’s streets, sounds, rhythms, smells, and parks. Most of all to my humble shack, just four flights up and to the right. Number 4J at 204 Sherman Ave. This is where light, love, sex, trauma, addiction, joy, sorrow and so much more swirled delicate and thick. Turning this home into the hyper-spastic launch pad that allowed me to rip open my soul. Digging so deep into the gutter of my life it actually penetrated into past existences.

Finally brave enough to embrace, bash and dance with the muck and miracles of my past. All of them equally important to the development of my flesh, spirit and story in other words, this life of mine.

Eventually I finished that chapter of learning and now with my “damaged” self  on the mend. And a let’s get the show on the road attitude brewing. I finally had become ready to face the creation of this “visual therapy.” This is my final release, at last I am able to let go. Rather than breaking down, I lit up through this process. Now that is change, sweet ass mother clucking change.

I love every moment of every one of these experiences that flick through this “clip-o-tage”.  Dark or light, I never will insult my existence my wishing things had been different.  Perhaps I am fooling myself, but I still stand by my word I live with zero regrets. I am here, I share story, people respond this is living even when I fuck up I am growing-life rocks.

Yes, indeed every life matters, every minute, every word, every experience-they are who we are. Finally I can say I like who I am, better yet I like the people in the world around me because of who I have become. Again that is pretty fucking awesome!

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

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Flowers, quotes

Every Life Matters

As my inner shift continues to evolve, my spiritual space also continues to expand within and around me. Intensive reparative work on self has decreased in need. Allowing my unblocked energies to now flow outward. No longer soloy driven to seek my own truth. Now strong enough to help another on their path. This is the reward, this is the joy, this is the moment my heart has been waiting for.

My true self once again has awaken, now resurrected, old wounds healed and a vital spirit no longer dimmed. As always my core message burns bright and reads the same. Be it spoken through word, action or in a moment of silence.  CADA VIDA IMPORTA! Yes EVERY LIFE MATTERS! This is my life, this is my work, this is my love, this is my voice-

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

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Images

EGO RINSE-short truths

For me the word ego had always seemed like a dirty damaged little word. Suggesting an adult or child may have been possessed by a horribly deformed soul. Growing up I had been taught that to have an ego meant you where greedy, selfish, back stabbing, worldly, deceitful or a “run around,” you get the picture.

I was fearful to admit I had an ego, it meant I was damned to hell. When vacant of fear, guilt was the next identifiable feeling to clutch on to. Guilt, has always been a complete waste of energy especially when squandered around “E” and his side-kick pride. Guilt shielded when pride and ego stirred within my youthful even adult heart and mind.  Proudly, now I say no more but it took some work and re-learning to clear the residue of ancient teachings.

It felt like torture to my ears every time I heard how the meek would inherit the earth as a child. I now ask myself did I ever really want to inherit the earth? What kind of trip is that to lay on kid, yikes! No Thanks lol! And why hadn’t we been taught that ego can be a marvelous protector and something that can lift us up and encourage us when needed. I suppose we had been spawned from a generation that only could teach us what they knew. Just as we will teach future generations what we know. I am grateful for the possibilities afforded to those who choose to live a life with an expansive mind and heart.

For years I felt bad about patting myself on the back or celebrating any deserving accomplishment. I felt even worse, encouraging myself to fully believe in my dreams, goals or having faith in my own strengths. I often wondered how many others wandered the earth, who have had similar experiences. Many I am sure I am also positive there are many on massive journeys of their own.

I have to confess what cracks me up most about my own story. I have always considered myself to be a rebel, an outcast and a bit of a shit stirrer. Over the years I have gotten myself into my fare share of trouble. For instance (I chuckle) fights with gang bangers. I thought I was some tough little punk, walking city streets painted in new wave drag circa 1984. Thrashing jagged beer bottles, tough with looking all androgynous boy pretty. In reality I was a fragile dime a dozen ball of manic chicken shit furry. I have lived most my life in complete fear of being completely who I wanted to be. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, always on the verge of crumbling on the inside, who the hell was I fooling? Many but not me, I had no ego or pride if I had they where damaged and barley alive.

I hid behind masks and many characters secretly for many years. I had fun a hand full of times but I lived in fear of most people and situations. In my personal life I would reach out to live my dreams then cower in fear and doubt. My truth was distorted and repressed, so rather than trusting my inner voice, my core my truth, my source, my ego I would give up. And my pride would further be diminished. I had my frantic moments with peaks and valleys laced with a mixture of legit reasons for their jagged little rip tide.

To be raised with a healthy ego and ownership of pride life hold a different ride. This is an observation, and a reflection to future living, yes we live and learn.

Like most things I educate best on my own, that is my story, it is not always easy but it sure as hell is effective and rewarding. Unlike traditional school, life lessons I never forget and I never regret. I no longer fear who I am I have no resentment, zero regret. At this point I can honestly say I respect the man that I am and the people and world around me. I have a healthy ego and I am proud of who I am.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

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Images, Recovery, Selfportraits, trauma

MY DARK EXTRACTION-PTSD Part 2

Authors Note:
This series of writings and art documents a period of time between November 2011 through March 2015. It is primarily a written excursion intended to retrace, understand and release the events surrounding a trauma that took place while I was living in New York City. Eventually there will be approximately five segments in total. My only desire is to bring hope to another while I learn continue to grow along my written path of discovery. And as always me we all fine peace love and light as we each venture through our own life journeys.

Part 2
Understanding The Roots of Distrust and a Release Back to Freedom

My childhood training had taught me wrong and has taught me strong. As kids we were raised with a fear fueled understanding to never seek or accept help from beyond the boundaries of our modest suburban ranch style nest. It was instilled in our young minds that the ramifications from such explorations could easily be stacked against us within the confines of family a court. Further fracturing the bond between a struggling mother and her three son’s. Our tribe growing up was a small one, we where all we had. This tribe consisted of an absent alcoholic disaster of a father, my two brothers, my mother and I, it was always US versus an invisible THEM = The World?!.

I learned young, fast and hard through both word and observation. That it is best to zip that lip boy and never voice a need, concern or opinion to any figure of authority. (somehow I never was fully silenced, I always was a fighter-looking back now I chuckle) Over and over these fears had been reinforced through various actions. The authority source to whom we where to fear never much mattered. In my young mind they seemed to be on a rotating roster, with a special guest appearance nearly every day. It could be a guidance counselor, teacher, doctor, therapist, a man of the cloth, person of law or even a waiter. But almost always, it was a male figure that we or at least I were taught to distrust. All of my pre-tween human avoidance education boiled down to the basics. Man up, suck it up, or shut the f#*k up. Along with a scroll full of other this and that’s of previous generational anxiety packed logic. These are old tools and old rules that I no longer subscribe to. They are broken gadgets, I now dispose of them. (by the way you can skip the re-cycle bin.)

For many I am sure that to accept help from another human being during a moment of life crisis is an act of innate logic. Of course we should reach out and access any available source of safety and assistance. Now I know what I have been taught as a child was both backwards and counter intuitive. Although I also understand that these teachings where intended for my own protection. The truth is that accepting help or relying on another when we are in need is actually pro-active and not something to be ashamed of. It is an action of self-love and is an essential part of self-care. At the time of my adult trauma there seemed to be as much shame surrounding the pursuit of any life affirming reinforcements, as there was encircling the events that led to my self encased demise.

Now I scratch my graying head a little wiser, wondering WTF have I been thinking remaining in this cage for so long? Honestly, what embarrassment is there to be had by learning from peers who have wrestled with the same demons as I in comparative situations? Or to develop new tools in restorative care while allowing a professional to assist in the re-navigation of my life. BFD, my life compass needed a little recalibrating and a gentle nudge back onto my personal path of discovery. I no longer have hesitations about jumping on board life’s super highway. If somebody else who is better qualified needs to do the steering for a while as I become comfortable once more with life’s multi sensory terrain. I am ok with that, I am again trusting of my instincts and of my fellow-man. I am completely enamored with this planet and I intend on enjoying all that it has to offer.

As much as I’d like to think I am Mr. Passive, I am in fact a strong-willed individual who happens to have a sensitive side. The sensitive part of me has been so compassionate, always holding onto that one last golden thread of hope. Continuously whispering in my ear that I would eventually make it through this disaster bigger brighter and stronger and with a purpose. “Just hold on little buddy, you’ll see” he would tell me. My internal cheerleader rocks and I would not be here without him.

The alpha side of me aided in my survival by being the brute fighter and my inner big brother. I adore him, he has adrenalin and no vocal filters. The night of my attack my inner brute fought for my life. He rode the adrenalin blast that supplied by my bodies fight, flight or freeze response system supplied. He did his best to save me from further harm. We all have aspects within ourselves that come out and fight for us when in danger this is a fact and a gift of nature. I adore my inner warriors, like Chucky where friends ’til the end! I would not be here today without these equally strong and important aspects of my personality.

In the past I hoped another could fix me, I would kill for a passionate embrace. I am a passionate man by nature, during the peak of my post trauma insanity I was to afraid of people. Primarily men over 40 to even let them into my life, let alone close to my body. Not without social lubricants-that being drugs and alcohol. I am so glad that chapter of closed and my heart is again open. I could really care less about a good butt plummet (yes you should giggle) that was never my main go to. The drugs numbed me and naps removed me, spirituality revitalized me, my inner journey reconnected me. I am grateful for all of the above, both the dark and the light they all served in some capacity and I have zero regrets.

The truth is, throughout all of the chaos, sober or not I was completely clueless to what was really going on deep down within me. There where however times when I somehow manage to reach out. Only to find myself retracting my trembling up turned palm as quickly as I presented it. Usually after some great epiphany of divine truth. My swift retractions where another sign of my trauma denial. A declaration often would be made after one of these enlightened moments that all was well in Robbie-Ville. And I’d find myself free once more to hop aboard my avoidance train as it promptly left the station. I would begin to ignore my inner turmoil, with a smile of denial. I had my “GOD” moment and I’d start to shuffle along, with my unspoken motto being “if it don’t hurt, don’t fix it.”

I had many brilliant lessons in light have all served a purpose. They have provided me with strength hope and knowledge, gently nudging me to where I proudly stand today. Although they all have been essential tools towards recovering my life. No real change could possibly have taken place until I faced the root of my evil. The universe knew I was finally ready to rip open my soul and face my brutal truth. The moment had come for me to finally get gritty, real and raw. I needed to jump into my demon trenches and face this fucker once and for all. It was time to grab this bastard by the nuts and regain control of my life.

After my recent trauma flashbacks that took place the week of March 9th. I’ve come to understand that I have been battling illusions for these past few years. As real as my terrors have appeared, they no longer are physical truths. They are now only memories, I own them they no longer own me.  As real as my terrors seemed, no matter how intense the emotions, or voices in my mind. Even as real as the sensations of feel my asshole ripping open again felt. Even though I could actually feel the blood dripping down my crack. They where all illusions and they no longer hold any power over me. The gashes where in my memory not my hole.

I have finally reached a shift in my journey, where I am able to let go of everything. It is all simply dissolving around me like powdered sugar in cream, I have crossed over to a new understanding. I suppose only those who have experienced something like this know exactly what I am talking about.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not shutting my eyes to anything or running from a dam thing. That’s the whole point I’ve stopped running. I refuse to be a victim to anything past present or future to the best of my souls ability. I have learned to love my little monsters, I have come to a place of peace and acceptance. A few of my global brothers and sisters have taught me to learn to walk with my demons and not to fight them. I now wake every morning and thank the universe for the buckets of knowledge and personal expansions that I have received. I never thought I could be so abundantly gifted. At least not through such a bitch of an experience-sounds like bullshit but it is true.

Now I allow myself to reach out with a trusting heart, the shame game is over. I am now so much lighter and graciously brighter. I have broken through so many preconceived illusions about my life from childhood until now. I have learned that my writing and art have quite literally saved my life. There are so many amazing people who have supported me both seen and unseen, I genuinely THANK YOU!  I have been supplied tools from above and within. I have revisited  spiritual utensils from my past that I have not picked up in decades. Giving them a good buff and a little loving, now they are as good as new (of course). I exchanged my fears for love and have moved forward.

I have a little more writing to do as I finish this process. Who knows I may continue to write about this aspect of my journey for another 30 years. All I know is that for now my heart is light and my life is right. Now onto part three – The Main Expulsion the catalyst for this series.

Love and Light Always

The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

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