adult male rape, Images, Selfportraits, Uncategorized

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Artist Intent:

To invite the viewer to experience the intimate process of self-renewal. A moment captured here within these layered images. As layered as the emotions and the process itself. Where the foundation of the moment is based on openness, willingness and a seeking spirit. After a gang rape that took place in New York City in November of 2011, the artist finds himself safe at last in his home of current refuge. Images shot between the floor boards and box springs of his bedroom. Are symbolic of a safe shelter where once a similar setting of contrasting events took place 24 inches above.

This murky event birthed a nightmare of denial, addiction, and a full social shutdown. Distrust, loss of all hope, material goods and above all love of self and others. These same experiences also gave birth to grand opportunities to embrace spiritual, creative and emotional life change. These photos capture flashes of those moments.

Alone he is safe to explore his desires with little fear, no judgement or limits. A sense of vulnerability is unavoidable in this instant of self-love and passion. During these intimate moments he must earn even his own trust. As he literally makes love with his bed frame, the object he once held onto to save his life. Unable to embrace another man at this stage of healing. Without the crutch of chemicals from spike to vein. He companionship entangled in his own arms. Unavoidable looks of question, hesitation and fear rise to the surface of his face. Eventually comfort is found in the knowledge that all is ok…

This is not about the dark of the journey nor the light of the discovery. This is the the story of the in-between, the passionate self rediscovery of a life still unfolding and a soul healing. This is a love undone: the story of one.

Transitional Leap:
At this mid point between ages of 52 and 53. I have made a huge artistic transitional leap. Out of the 10,000 plus images I have created over the last few years. I have taken the steps and printed my first creative works in large scale. Professionally mounted and framed with purpose, care and love. This is the first I have ever seen or ever touched my own work. Which may sound strange, pieces I have sold have gone directly to the buyer. Never passing my final critical eye.

On Saturday January 30th 2016 I will participate in my first group show. My message remains the same and I never mind repeating. It is never to late evolve, shift your story should you choose and change. Never let go of your dreams and trust me when I say your words, your thoughts and your life all hold dynamic powers.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt

A LOVE UNDONE / A STORY of ONE

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Images
FOOT BATH LIGHT BOX

FOOT BATH LIGHT BOX

Mercury is in retrograde and the yanks and pulls are felt within many individuals communications and moods. Usually these are golden days for me but not this time. It has been one mother f*#@ing bitch of a week. I know I have to keep going, even if I feel like snapping a few heads off. I must keep on keeping on as they say.

When the end of the day approaches, I cool down, secure in the knowledge that all human feelings pass. I chill while I create a little something to clear my mind. I enjoy a footpath, a nap, my mealtime, a dog walk and soon nighttime merges into sunrise and all previous frictions have been forgotten.

May all your stressors be fleeting, your joys be lasting and your remedies be effective.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt – lil Big R

RETROGRADE FOOT BATH

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columbuspark, reflective
BLUE DEEP DUO

BLUE DEEP DUO

I’ve always enjoyed flipping images to catch a new perspective. These pond photo’s capture a late summer morning sky. They are separate shots with subtle differences, only enough to make one wonder what they are. One is swung upside down creating a graceful curve. Waters so still and soothing, cool with a blue that relaxes my soul. I continue with my new found process that inspires my work. I hope you enjoy as much as I enjoy embracing my experience, growth and play.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt – lil Big R

BLUE DEEP DUO

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Images, Selfportraits

IMG_7679 copy

I love this song as much today as I did when I was a sentimental lil lad. Each year as summer sun slips at what I perceive to be a new rapid speed. As September kicks my disgruntle seasonal knees. I drop plop this track daily from pod to buds to ears.

I always remember these lines for whatever reason, from my first 1970’s variety hour listen to now. Another day’s gone dying in a dusk. This trying to stop and cryin’s getting old. Remember long summer days Playing grown ups in the city. And I have looked for love in a strangers arms. What the hell makes a little kid so attached to lyrics such as these I’ve always wondered?

MELODY

Written by: Paul Webster, Paul Francis Webster, Snuff Garrett, Sonny Burke

Melody, you’re my oldest friend
I can talk to you what a day it’s been
Out there in the mad men crush
Another day’s gone dying in a dusk

Melody, listen for the phone
While I change my clothes, he knows by now I’m home
Three days waiting, took it’s toll
This trying to stop and cryin’s getting old

Melody, remember long summer days
Playing grown ups in the city
Mamma sayin’ sweet dreams, sleepy heads
Tucked in bed with you my favorite dolly, oh

Melody, with your raggedy charms
I have looked for love in a strangers arms
Scared of going home of what they’ll say
You know mamma’s eyes could always look right through
And daddy he won’t be so proud of me
No they won’t understand like you, Melody

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt – lil Big R

MELODY at SUMMERS END

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Images, Recovery, trauma

SAFE

On Monday, July 27th 2015, I experienced my first and last methamphetamine drug overdose. The result of a dinner date gone wrong, or right depending on your perspective. This reflective snippet flows outward following a month of vibrant spiritual experiences. I suppose it is true, you have to die to see the light. I came close enough and now all feels right.

On July 23rd I put out a request, or as they say an intention, to the Universe-my God-my Source. A request to deliver a speed round of events (no pun intended) of life lessons. A sort of “lets get the show on the road” kind of thing. To finally wrap up this dragging chapter of trauma and addiction. The time had come to move on with living, teaching and enjoying this awesome life.

I seem to cycle on the magic number of three, I don’t know why I just do. Three days later, on July 27th the Universe delivered in full force. With a dinner date, admittedly somewhere within my subconscious I had some questions marks floating around it. In all sober truth I knew there was a possibility of a “slam bam” time (using drugs).

I fooled myself, after all this was a date with a prominent psychiatrist. A man well known and successful, what could possibly go wrong? We both where attracted to each other for being decent guys. Supposedly neither of us where “game players.” Just two real men who found each other “trustworthy” “refreshing” and all of that. Well enough of the denial fantasy talk-lol

Instead of Pork Chops and romance I had been left for dead. Soon to reside at the Weiss Memorial ICU for the next four days. And so my spiritual catapult began, as always I never regret any moment of my journey!

Certainly I had to wrap my head around knowing my mom at the age of 82 had to see her son for the first and only time in the ICU. Wired to life saving contraptions, heart leaping from chest muscles and mind literally being eaten away by chemicals. I was beyond completely freaked the fucked out on drugs-insanity.

We had not spoken since December, I can’t imagine a reunion much more dramatic or painful. Than to receive a call that your 52 year old child is possibly going to die from an overdose, please come immediately. Fortunately she really does not understand what meth is all about. Denial and lack of knowledge can be marvelous copping tools. Along with the calming effects of my loving younger brother supporting her on the scene.

This would be the one moment I wish I could alter out of everything. To erase a my mothers grievous moment of pain, fear and sorrow. Although if not for this relatively short exchange of pain.Our relationship that has been in constant strain would not have mended as it has. Years of generational scars have evaporated within in weeks. Funny how tragedy heals suddenly you realize how silly so many things are in life. And love is love and the rest really doesn’t matter.

NOW ONTO THE POST OVERDOSE REFLECTION: I Am Safe

The door to who I am opened and I surrendered, I let go. It felt so right to finally let it all out. 
The door remains open, now I know all that I ever need is already here. Lastly I understand the undiluted meaning of trust. I am free, I have let go of fear and I have let go of all assumed debts to my spiritual self.

From childhood to now, all illusions of suffering, self forgiveness, guilt, and judgment have been dissolved. My extensive list of self critiques has been released. My mass collection of “whatever’s” from others, the list of ancient artifacts gathered over the years. Have not been forgotten, its as if they never existed. Boom back to birth, I am free no worries. I take comfort in knowing I am ok designed exactly as I am, with all the talents and attributes that I have been given. Every worry, all bullshit, all self editing has been lifted.

In pure God Speed style, I have liberated my need for acceptance and rejection. Never had I a thing to prove, never a thing to loose. On occasion I had been told this, but how could it be true? Not until reconciled could I let go, now I have no restrictions and no rules, life is so fucking cool. My core is my compass as it always has been.

At last peace, calm and serenity comfort me, I now know I am abundantly safe. That I am loved, I am perfect just as I am, just as we all are. I let go of all anger and doubt, along with everything I have ever been taught. Embracing everything I intuitively known, returning to original intelligence and instincts the same I have had since before I could crawl. Isn’t life funny, really it just cracks me up sometimes-peace.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

SAFE

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Flowers, quotes

Every Life Matters

As my inner shift continues to evolve, my spiritual space also continues to expand within and around me. Intensive reparative work on self has decreased in need. Allowing my unblocked energies to now flow outward. No longer soloy driven to seek my own truth. Now strong enough to help another on their path. This is the reward, this is the joy, this is the moment my heart has been waiting for.

My true self once again has awaken, now resurrected, old wounds healed and a vital spirit no longer dimmed. As always my core message burns bright and reads the same. Be it spoken through word, action or in a moment of silence.  CADA VIDA IMPORTA! Yes EVERY LIFE MATTERS! This is my life, this is my work, this is my love, this is my voice-

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

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Images, Recovery, trauma

WELCOME to THE LAND of WHAT IF’S

NOTE: Thank you for reading-this is the most gut fueled writing of mine to date. A gentle apology for the sporadic flow. I felt it was important to keep it this organic without edit from heart to hand.

The other morning I had awoken at four embedded in a frozen paralyzation. Once more I had found myself absorbed in a minefield full of “WHAT IF’s.” My return to this uncomfortable terrain came shortly after winning what may be the best career opportunity of my work history. Filled with bliss and positive energy, the moment had me shining with magnificence. Distracting all senses from the sub-current of possible failure hovering beneath the layers of my flesh. I am generally sensitive to these sneak attacks mapped out on old life storyboards. Delivered by saboteurs unknown to others yet intimate to me.

Before I knew it, a full shut down of my emotional and mental systems where in place. The “WHAT IF” failure alerts had already begun pumping through my body, sending all sorts of mis-shaped messages. These warped old thought patterns seeped in slowly at first. Micro bits of wrinkled logic entered my being as soon as the call came presenting the news that the position was mine. Yes, the old meth addict/trauma thinking crept in. Like a dark seducer deep in the night, whispering hypnotically low. You don’t deserve this, you won’t maintain this life for long, fuck it-come on now really, whats the use? I paused attempting to acknowledge for a moment that this was only bullshit inner dialogue. Sure enough the garbage chatter took over and I temporaraly bought into my own tabloid trash headline news.

No matter how often I concluded that the above concepts have been outmoded. The “WHAT IF’s” still appear at times to hold a high-ranking office within my head. And it feels as though I am have am living in a democracy, with no right to vote.  Like a good rebel these feelings don’t last long. Eventually I become fed up with voices, I developed a spiritual spine. A mind packed with clarity and my higher self begins to rise. I love a good inner civil war, we all have them and with perseverance our best self always wins!

Life events from parental pre-insertion on formed who I am today. The events that erupted around me approximately four and half years ago had a heavily impacted my growth. Both consciously and sub, I have been conditioned through word, man and fuel. The meseeges I recived where-Robbie, you have never or will again be capable of courting good fortune or experiencing regular intervals of joy, love or success. I know this is rubbish talk, the “WHAT IF’s” and associated “FEAR” talks are not reality, they are artificial truths. They should not to be ignored or dismissed but looked at, loved, reveled and healed. Other words before they harm disarm.

While in the midst my recent self esteem dishevelment. The days and nights that followed, my fears had gained momentum. The truth is I have not been able to maintain a steady job until I released the last emotional hemorrhage of rape. I experienced rotating life freezes, which I now consider quite boring. My addiction savagely fed off my trauma. Intense trauma flashbacks also prevented me from career, romance and life advancements. My inner light dimmed, side-tracking me from illuminated thought. Even during a healthy adjustment period as I moved above and through addiction/trauma (done did done). It took time for my universal mind to gently flicker back to bright. During the dim moments I was filled with all sorts of illusional/delusional dialogue now nudged aside. I will ignore the list of endless self sabotage discussions and what if’s… you’re not good enough’s etc’s. Trust me the list can go on for weeks. For those in the know I’m sure you are all nodding with a great big chorus of OH YA’s.

SCREW THE CRUDDY THINKING:
Never will I go back to living in that hell ever again. Nope never again, never ever again-GOD NEVER AGAIN! Screw the old “WHAT IF’s” I simply do not have the room, time or interest for all that wasted energy. How about WHAT IF I DO HAVE all of those wonderful things like success, love, career, joy? WHAT IF I choose  to share all this AMAZING stuff? Now that is an epically great WHAT IF, stay on track and continue to change your story. This is living, this is life!

I have already moved mountains, harnessing the strength of a thousand lifetimes. I realize I am fiercely strong and most know I am eternally grateful for the lessons I continue to embrace as I experience a fully vital life. I am now void of old darkness that once bit ripped and destroyed. I have come so far, I have reached a higher level of living. Although as I sit here writing my gut rumbles with the need to roar and release. I have never fully let it-all out let the anger fly first I need to admit I had a right to be angry. I never just belted my real feelings out, never not even to myself or my demons and events. I need to finally SCREAM IT, I just need to get it out of my system once and for all. It is time to really RAGE out without hesitation. I’m sitting here and I can’t believe I have never done so. I have been so passive aggressive about the most brutally aggressive event in my life.

(a teeth rupturing blast of air from a clenched abdomen violently punches forward as I scream-at my group sexual assault, rapist’s and previous meth addiction)
I fucking hate you, I hate what you did to me. You thieving shady bastard, I Hate what you took from me. I despise the night I ever met you and allowed your demonic fuel into my life. Fuck Meth-Fuck Death-Fuck Rape I’ve come way to far to let some bullshit of a stupid drug, a gang rape by 11 men and surrounding events hold me back ever again.

You took everything from me nearly my sanity nearly my life-fuck you. I hate every moment of this experience with you. Although I love what I learned along the way. I still would never trade a second of it and I fucking thank you for the lessons and growth. I absolutely would not be who I am today without you. But I hate the power you held over me the men I met and what I lost and what I sacrificed along the way. I Hate you for taking my apartment, I Hate you for putting me in the hospital and I Hate you for the nightmares that lasted for these years. I Hate you for ripping me open, I Hated being in the hospital for a week, I Hated serving me a life of denial, and moments of psychosis. I Hated becoming nearly spiritually naked, I Hate you for making me live in fear, I Hate you for making me fearful of men, I Hate you for making it impossible to wear short sleeve shirts, I Hate you for my poor decisions, I Hate you for taking my money, I Hate you for taking my mind for that period of time I fucking hate you for taking my career. I absolutely Hate you for taking my confidence, I Hate you for the lies, I Hate you for dehydration,  I Hate you for taking me from my beloved NY I don’t know when I’ll fully heal from that perhaps when I have a home again. I Hate you for taking me from my dear Teddy I really hate you for that. I Hate you taking my intimacy, I Hate you for taking my Humor, I Hate you for taking spirt, and I Hate you for taking my sexuality. I miss my things my home-my home-my I hate you for making me sob till this day for the loss of my home. You took me from my New York, I miss my life… yes I also miss the good “WHAT IF’s” also. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can say I am grateful for what I learned. The list could go on but this is enough now. For every “I HATE” there is a “I LOVE” Believe it or not there is but the anger needed to be released at this time.

I never got angry about this, I never ever got this angry before I never screamed. I never ever blamed another, for my addiction, I never blamed the person who started me. I never ever said it was anyone else’s fault, even the rape. I never screamed about the evil 11, I was in shock for 6 months and numb for years after. I cried in silence but I never raged over it I never just belted out in rage. Now I really understand that not all wars are fought against man. Sometimes the battle is within man not against.

I now live a life of choices, one of my choices is to write, to create to live through art beauty word vision and healing of self and others. I choose to release this clutter from my life. To remain focused on the light and the beauty of the world around me I always have I simply had a detour as part of my life experience. I have done more living and loving in the last 6 months than I have in the past 52 years on this amazing planet. Now that is living a life expanding, everything is possible. This has been my new truth, my new story.

A REFLECTIVE WRAP UP:
Getting sober off meth is only part of my story. Recovery from trauma is another, then the real work is the continuous love labor of my inner worth. 95% of the time I am an absolutely a gangbuster goodwill ambassador of my own personal optimized and growing potential. I survived years crazy stories one after another from the womb to in and out of the “rooms” of recovery and more. It took me a long time to write my sober story and what is acceptable to me. Drinking is part of my sober story maybe not another’s own your story. It is just that but be honest loving and forgiving always. There are no wrong turns if you know your truth.

The destruction addiction and trauma alone or together can play on a persons inner wiring is lethal. It is all about perspective, you go through years of living a life slowly becoming comfortable with being less than. It is like joining a cult, you don’t even know what is happening, the same is true with trauma. You are being chipped away at from the inside out, scrambling about believing the lies. And when you arrive on the other side it takes a long time for some of us to believe that we have any value at all. Some of us can’t even bathe, brush our teeth, eat, take a compliment. A few months ago I couldn’t even get on a subway. Six months ago I couldn’t look in the mirror. Several years ago I couldn’t look at a man over 40 without an injection of meth. I had been so manipulate, beaten down and I no longer knew what the word aspiration meant.

It takes a lot of love to flip our stories. The change is simply a return to your truth we all have a core self that never changes. It is simply remembering who we really are. Loving ourselves, discovering possibly for the first time who we are. BTW hell yes we all have value, EVERYONE has VALUE and EVERYBODY is IMPORTANT. We all have our journeys and we all have our stories and they are all equal in value. No life one is superior no story more tragic than another. Own your journey and love the fuck out of yourself and those around you!

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

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