Peace, reflective

LOVE-PPF

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LOVE-Past, Present & Future
There have been times in my life when the emotional weight that I’ve experienced did not make sense. I would find myself, lashing out or struggling free of reason, no matter how diligently I had worked my personal program of understanding. I wrestled with the undertones of situations I knew existed, yet could not put a finger on the lingering stains of uncomfortable.

There are appeared to be no situations, life imbalances, personal unrest, medical or mental issues to cause actions/reactions in my behavior or feelings. Life in general seem to be ok, reasons appear impossible to peg for emotional unrest. Nothing in this lifetime appears with any justification to have a legit connection. In some instances I believe it may be due to a past life footprint, stirring deep inside the soul cavity, an echo of unresolved issues. A traumatic situation perhaps that has never been mended, carried over from a previous life cycle.

My belief is we store these imprints much like we carry the histories of our early childhood memories. Often we don’t remember the good or the bad as we grow older, yet they are always there. In the instance of past life footprints rather than locked safe in the vault of our mind, they are embedded in the vibration of our soul, the core of who we are. The undefined being within, the ignored self of science, the truth that only you or I can understand the truth that only you or I need to understand.

In short, I am moved to suggest, in a moment when agitation arises and there is no connection of logical abundance. While grounded in the “now” of this existence, take
a moment to meditate, love heal and release the “heavy” around these emotions. Before acting out, begin to look within, there may be no answers for present events. Meditate to understand, acknowledge and heal any past life situation. Then wrap the feelings around it in light and release any past events and emotions with love and light. For myself this has been a very helpful tool, one I stumbled upon via guided  instinct.

If willing, answers, resolve and healing will come to you as it has with me. Lingering agitation or that unknown “itch” is our intuition, our inner voice guiding us. I suspect in some cases the story line is rooted in a past space and time, showing some care to these situations can prove as helpful as healing the now. Love is always the message, resolve and forward motion is the goal.

Just a thought from me to you-
Love Yourself & Another Past Present and Futrue

 

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Images, Selfportraits

EXPERIENCE of LIGHT

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ROCKETS & NESTS 4J *soft/complicated, mixed media

Thursday mornings tend to be my standard errand day, also a day when my mind and eye are most engaged with the world around me. I am 100% in love all things at the same time inspired by everything, it is almost to much to handle and nearly impossible to get anything accomplished. Between photo snaps, note breaks and formal writing stops I am lucky if I hit the market, library or dry cleaners at all.

My mid week enthusiasm may be in part due to my minimal excursions from block number 11 where I reside. Back home in New York, I walked everywhere most days, never to tire always inspired. I breathed a carnival of sensory happiness, often coming home only to spin back out for a deeper emersion. Since my return to the mid-coast of Chicago in autumn of 2013 I have become somewhat of a recluse. Thursdays are my great adventure day, where backyard tree-houses and front yard detail strike a temporary fascination streak, at times it is enough to fire up enough artistic and spiritual fuel to feed my creative need for another week.

Now that I am in my middle years, I am fascinated with the organic curves, knots, and often wicked grace of trees. Cloud formations always impress, dressed and set with back drop skies of shifting seasonal shades mystify. All of mother earths creatures, plant life, water and air retain my interest unlike dismissal of younger years. For the time being my alter of appreciation falls upon suburban lawns rather than the magnificent parks and gritty squares of the island of Manhattan where I belong. A place where structures, graffiti, art, pedestrians, clatter, filth hold me strong.

MORNING THOUGHT:
I had a funny idea one Thursday morning, as I often do. Story board visions ran through my head as I saw myself “ghosting” in the after life. Not “trapped” and suffering as in a Learning Channel ghost hunter hype series. You know, all miserable… moan, moan thud. Just the opposite, very happy, and madly in love with this globe and it’s living occupants. I, dead without regret, refusing to leave this bubbled existence without assistance from an invisible supernatural ejector seat.

From the great unknown my almighty light keepers where summoning me, like a collective of spiritual mothers with a toddler at meal time, gentle and prodding. Coaxing with sensitive yet firm vibrational ease, the messages that pulsed may be impossible to describe here. The general transmission delivered was the usual. “The time has arrived for you to ascend to new dimensions, unimagined in any book, meditation or vision within your understandings, a greater purpose is part of your spiritual evolution now, your earth journey has been completed. The time has come to leave…” None of this was spoken in global tongues, all by sensation, heat and other understanding, many of you know what I am talking about. Stubborn, as I often can be, I am prone to get in my own human way. Naturally I insisted on staying right where I was, in some strange suburban yard up a tree translucent to most determined to haunt on my own terms.

My morning, inspiration hit as my feet stepped and my mind wandered back. I remembered how I have always been fascinated by cultures, sociology, interactions between groups of all people, individual behavior, the human experience. As I passed each home between the hours of 10a.m. and noon I envisioned the expansion of life within these cabinets of brick, wood, and stone. Each home called out with it’s own language. The exterior structure and grounds sang descriptive tales of it’s cultures, families, individuals, lifestyles and critters. I became intrigued by the care and lack of that each dwelling reflected.

That is when it struck me, I want to shadow and haunt when I exit the realm of the living. Not an individual home, rather entire neighborhoods. Fluttering about while watching in silent bliss, hovering while people garden and built those humble tree-houses, perform mundane task like cleaning garages, taking out the trash or repainting shutters on luxury 3 day weekends. Oversee grounds like a mystical landscape architect with a quarter of a mile view, as trees bow in winter and spring forth in mid months of warmth.

As I stood under a great Oak Tree on the corners of Lombard and Madison Streets, with eyes shut, feet planted on cool cement and lungs filled with fresh damp air. I felt with every vessel in my heart that I wanted to experience a little bit of every life. To me this is not haunting at all, this is loving in a different dimension and nothing could be more life affirming. This is loving in the ultimate parental form, the greatest honor, not to die for ones country but to live for ones world.

To experience without the confines of human timelines, health or worry. To watch as each bud burst forth in spring from plant and tree. To bare witness to the birth of new borns, be present with birds eye view as drops of rain cascade down blades of grass during an August sun-shower. Offer comfort during moments of human duress and celebration, to whole heartedly be apart of these experiences, to learn love and wrap one in light. I don’t understand why these feelings struck me so strong or lingered as they do. Perhaps I should nurture them while I am  among the living, maybe that is all this experience of thought has been about. Funny how the mind works as we click keys and write, hammering out the spiritual subconscious through key strokes is another form of the language of light..

Ah! It just hit me wrapped up this page, should you believe as I do, this to some degree is what our Angels and Protectors experience. How wonderfully awesome this is not a story about ghosting at all, it is a story about living.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt

 

 

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Images, Recovery, trauma

SAFE

On Monday, July 27th 2015, I experienced my first and last methamphetamine drug overdose. The result of a dinner date gone wrong, or right depending on your perspective. This reflective snippet flows outward following a month of vibrant spiritual experiences. I suppose it is true, you have to die to see the light. I came close enough and now all feels right.

On July 23rd I put out a request, or as they say an intention, to the Universe-my God-my Source. A request to deliver a speed round of events (no pun intended) of life lessons. A sort of “lets get the show on the road” kind of thing. To finally wrap up this dragging chapter of trauma and addiction. The time had come to move on with living, teaching and enjoying this awesome life.

I seem to cycle on the magic number of three, I don’t know why I just do. Three days later, on July 27th the Universe delivered in full force. With a dinner date, admittedly somewhere within my subconscious I had some questions marks floating around it. In all sober truth I knew there was a possibility of a “slam bam” time (using drugs).

I fooled myself, after all this was a date with a prominent psychiatrist. A man well known and successful, what could possibly go wrong? We both where attracted to each other for being decent guys. Supposedly neither of us where “game players.” Just two real men who found each other “trustworthy” “refreshing” and all of that. Well enough of the denial fantasy talk-lol

Instead of Pork Chops and romance I had been left for dead. Soon to reside at the Weiss Memorial ICU for the next four days. And so my spiritual catapult began, as always I never regret any moment of my journey!

Certainly I had to wrap my head around knowing my mom at the age of 82 had to see her son for the first and only time in the ICU. Wired to life saving contraptions, heart leaping from chest muscles and mind literally being eaten away by chemicals. I was beyond completely freaked the fucked out on drugs-insanity.

We had not spoken since December, I can’t imagine a reunion much more dramatic or painful. Than to receive a call that your 52 year old child is possibly going to die from an overdose, please come immediately. Fortunately she really does not understand what meth is all about. Denial and lack of knowledge can be marvelous copping tools. Along with the calming effects of my loving younger brother supporting her on the scene.

This would be the one moment I wish I could alter out of everything. To erase a my mothers grievous moment of pain, fear and sorrow. Although if not for this relatively short exchange of pain.Our relationship that has been in constant strain would not have mended as it has. Years of generational scars have evaporated within in weeks. Funny how tragedy heals suddenly you realize how silly so many things are in life. And love is love and the rest really doesn’t matter.

NOW ONTO THE POST OVERDOSE REFLECTION: I Am Safe

The door to who I am opened and I surrendered, I let go. It felt so right to finally let it all out. 
The door remains open, now I know all that I ever need is already here. Lastly I understand the undiluted meaning of trust. I am free, I have let go of fear and I have let go of all assumed debts to my spiritual self.

From childhood to now, all illusions of suffering, self forgiveness, guilt, and judgment have been dissolved. My extensive list of self critiques has been released. My mass collection of “whatever’s” from others, the list of ancient artifacts gathered over the years. Have not been forgotten, its as if they never existed. Boom back to birth, I am free no worries. I take comfort in knowing I am ok designed exactly as I am, with all the talents and attributes that I have been given. Every worry, all bullshit, all self editing has been lifted.

In pure God Speed style, I have liberated my need for acceptance and rejection. Never had I a thing to prove, never a thing to loose. On occasion I had been told this, but how could it be true? Not until reconciled could I let go, now I have no restrictions and no rules, life is so fucking cool. My core is my compass as it always has been.

At last peace, calm and serenity comfort me, I now know I am abundantly safe. That I am loved, I am perfect just as I am, just as we all are. I let go of all anger and doubt, along with everything I have ever been taught. Embracing everything I intuitively known, returning to original intelligence and instincts the same I have had since before I could crawl. Isn’t life funny, really it just cracks me up sometimes-peace.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

SAFE

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Recovery, trauma

LIFE 81315LIFE MATTERS 81315

LIFE IS FUCKING COOL
With mornings sunrise edging up and over woodlands and neighboring rooftops. My spirt contemplates the most important decision to be made that day. Shall I rise to continue on this journey. Am I willing to fulfill my daily commitments to self and the world that surrounds. Will I venture deeper within to explore, accept and celebrate my personal truths? Soon my ever enduring vessel consisting of flesh, other matter and illusion responds with a resounding YES!

My morning head still foggy, rest cradled in a nest of down, cotton and twill. Tossing in a slow time-lapse motion. While twitches, of five a.m. lazy limbs wake my slowly emerging torso rolling from side to side. Legs, linger over mattress cliffs. As energy drifts guiding my feet safely towards destination floor.

I sigh, with calm excitement knowing morning rituals may now begin. As I kneel facing east, I gently kiss three times the lacquered slats of oak beneath my knees.

I bless the twenty-four before me with sincerity of heart. I am filled with deep appreciation for all gifts future, past and present. At peace, I visualize my truth du jour while reciting my rotating mantras. Prayers for the deceased are spoken and meditations begin. I fill myself unforcefully full with my creative and spiritual nutrients. Whatever the concoction may be that day. That is the fuel that will see me through.

Finally as my Bustello, my “holy water” blesses my inner tube-ways. I am focused, fresh, with a heart revitalized, gently jacked with empathy, compassion and my personal commitments at hand. I begin as I ended the evening prior. Plugged into my “Source” and understanding my truth. Having made the decisions to be empowered and embracing my freedom of voice. I exhale mindfully slow, embarking on a new untrodden day.

This all must seem like a lot of work to some, understandably so. “Why not a simple shower and a back door blast” you may ask.  Certain life events create a more complicated start. For some it is having a baby, or a heart attack others it is a bit more complex. The cool thing is you develop habits that are healthy. They linger as long as long as you decided they should last.

The above and a dash more if needed is worth it, I am worth it. Anyone who has experienced any trauma or addiction is worth it. For four years I could not walk down the street, get on the subway, go to work. Leave my home without my meth med injection to make life palatable that was the only way. I was completely afraid of being attacked. Old story-sorry for the repeat, but it was due to an intense gang rape.

Fortunately for me and inconvenient for some of those around me. I have moved through much of my rape crisis and the aftermath. Now I am working on setting that story aside, always with eyes open wide.

Not that long ago, November of twenty-fourteen my life began to re-evolve. I opened up to all that already exist within and around. With huge support from my dear friend and mentor Danielle (beautiful blessings). Slowly I have returned to my authentic “self”.

 These morning dedications have opened me to inner explorations and spiritual expansions. Some of these rituals I have been performing since the early 1980’s many more are new additions.

My heart had been begging for  a “truth-smack” up side my soul. A little wake up zap, to reboot my journey. I certainly had the choice to continue to live in fear. I had a choice to kill myself or to become a junkie hustler. All of those choices would be fine, I really doubt I would last long, I have a short fuse. So I listened to my core and yes it really sucked for a very long time and I am still recovering. But I fought and followed my inner voice and here I am. If on a daily basis I where not my own cheerleader, coach and best friend. By now would have literally reached my dead end.

Oh well, I learn the way I have chosen to learn. My view is I can only teach a lesson authentically, if I have lived the lesson I am teaching. I think that makes sense lol-have fun and thank you for reading.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

LIFE IS FUCKING COOL

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Recovery, Video

MY INWOOD LOVE AUDIO/VISUAL FORMAT

In honor of Inwood, a neighborhood nestled at the northern tip of the Isle of Manhattan. It’s streets, sounds, rhythms, smells, and parks. Most of all to my humble shack, just four flights up and to the right. Number 4J at 204 Sherman Ave. This is where light, love, sex, trauma, addiction, joy, sorrow and so much more swirled delicate and thick. Turning this home into the hyper-spastic launch pad that allowed me to rip open my soul. Digging so deep into the gutter of my life it actually penetrated into past existences.

Finally brave enough to embrace, bash and dance with the muck and miracles of my past. All of them equally important to the development of my flesh, spirit and story in other words, this life of mine.

Eventually I finished that chapter of learning and now with my “damaged” self  on the mend. And a let’s get the show on the road attitude brewing. I finally had become ready to face the creation of this “visual therapy.” This is my final release, at last I am able to let go. Rather than breaking down, I lit up through this process. Now that is change, sweet ass mother clucking change.

I love every moment of every one of these experiences that flick through this “clip-o-tage”.  Dark or light, I never will insult my existence my wishing things had been different.  Perhaps I am fooling myself, but I still stand by my word I live with zero regrets. I am here, I share story, people respond this is living even when I fuck up I am growing-life rocks.

Yes, indeed every life matters, every minute, every word, every experience-they are who we are. Finally I can say I like who I am, better yet I like the people in the world around me because of who I have become. Again that is pretty fucking awesome!

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

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Every Life Matters

As my inner shift continues to evolve, my spiritual space also continues to expand within and around me. Intensive reparative work on self has decreased in need. Allowing my unblocked energies to now flow outward. No longer soloy driven to seek my own truth. Now strong enough to help another on their path. This is the reward, this is the joy, this is the moment my heart has been waiting for.

My true self once again has awaken, now resurrected, old wounds healed and a vital spirit no longer dimmed. As always my core message burns bright and reads the same. Be it spoken through word, action or in a moment of silence.  CADA VIDA IMPORTA! Yes EVERY LIFE MATTERS! This is my life, this is my work, this is my love, this is my voice-

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

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EGO RINSE-short truths

For me the word ego had always seemed like a dirty damaged little word. Suggesting an adult or child may have been possessed by a horribly deformed soul. Growing up I had been taught that to have an ego meant you where greedy, selfish, back stabbing, worldly, deceitful or a “run around,” you get the picture.

I was fearful to admit I had an ego, it meant I was damned to hell. When vacant of fear, guilt was the next identifiable feeling to clutch on to. Guilt, has always been a complete waste of energy especially when squandered around “E” and his side-kick pride. Guilt shielded when pride and ego stirred within my youthful even adult heart and mind.  Proudly, now I say no more but it took some work and re-learning to clear the residue of ancient teachings.

It felt like torture to my ears every time I heard how the meek would inherit the earth as a child. I now ask myself did I ever really want to inherit the earth? What kind of trip is that to lay on kid, yikes! No Thanks lol! And why hadn’t we been taught that ego can be a marvelous protector and something that can lift us up and encourage us when needed. I suppose we had been spawned from a generation that only could teach us what they knew. Just as we will teach future generations what we know. I am grateful for the possibilities afforded to those who choose to live a life with an expansive mind and heart.

For years I felt bad about patting myself on the back or celebrating any deserving accomplishment. I felt even worse, encouraging myself to fully believe in my dreams, goals or having faith in my own strengths. I often wondered how many others wandered the earth, who have had similar experiences. Many I am sure I am also positive there are many on massive journeys of their own.

I have to confess what cracks me up most about my own story. I have always considered myself to be a rebel, an outcast and a bit of a shit stirrer. Over the years I have gotten myself into my fare share of trouble. For instance (I chuckle) fights with gang bangers. I thought I was some tough little punk, walking city streets painted in new wave drag circa 1984. Thrashing jagged beer bottles, tough with looking all androgynous boy pretty. In reality I was a fragile dime a dozen ball of manic chicken shit furry. I have lived most my life in complete fear of being completely who I wanted to be. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, always on the verge of crumbling on the inside, who the hell was I fooling? Many but not me, I had no ego or pride if I had they where damaged and barley alive.

I hid behind masks and many characters secretly for many years. I had fun a hand full of times but I lived in fear of most people and situations. In my personal life I would reach out to live my dreams then cower in fear and doubt. My truth was distorted and repressed, so rather than trusting my inner voice, my core my truth, my source, my ego I would give up. And my pride would further be diminished. I had my frantic moments with peaks and valleys laced with a mixture of legit reasons for their jagged little rip tide.

To be raised with a healthy ego and ownership of pride life hold a different ride. This is an observation, and a reflection to future living, yes we live and learn.

Like most things I educate best on my own, that is my story, it is not always easy but it sure as hell is effective and rewarding. Unlike traditional school, life lessons I never forget and I never regret. I no longer fear who I am I have no resentment, zero regret. At this point I can honestly say I respect the man that I am and the people and world around me. I have a healthy ego and I am proud of who I am.

Love and Light Always
The Empowered Runt-lil Big R

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